The Pause

The Pause is not a fix. It is a moment of honest looking.

When something happens between you and him, your first instinct is usually to react, to defend, to withdraw, or to push. The Pause gives you something different: a few questions that help you see what actually happened, underneath the reaction.

There are two ways to use it. If you are still in it, choose the first option. If things have settled and you want to understand it better, choose the second. Both are useful. Both get saved so you can look back over time.

You can also share a few questions with him if he is open to it. But only when the moment is right.

If you're open to it

Here are three questions.

  • What were you feeling when it started?
  • Was there something you needed that you couldn't say directly?
  • What would you want me to understand about your side?

Share this however feels natural. Only if the moment is right.

Something happened.

How are you coming to this?

My Pauses

Before anything else. One slow breath in, one slow breath out.

What just happened? Just the facts. Not what it meant, not what he is like. Just what happened.

Your Side

What happened, from your side? Not what he did. What you felt and experienced.

What were you feeling when it started, before it escalated?

Or in your own words:

What did you need that you couldn't ask for directly?

How did you show up in this? What did you do that made it harder?

His Side

What do you think he was feeling when it started?

Or in your own words:

Was there bad intention behind what he did? Or could it have been overwhelm, fear, or a different way of handling things?

Or in your own words:

What would he say if he described what happened from his side?

What Now

What do you understand now that you didn't understand in the moment?

What would you want him to know?

What does this tell you about what you both need more of?

You just did something most people never do. You looked at it honestly.

Saving is optional. Your answers stay private.

Saved.

You took a moment to pause. That is not nothing.

Even a few honest minutes with yourself changes something. It might not feel like it yet.

Saving is optional. Your answers stay private.

Saved.